a volunteer hospice organization established 1977
a volunteer hospice organization established 1977
Our Center's Namesake
Dorothy D. Rupe
Our Mission
Hospice of San Luis Obispo County, committed to the dignity of the human experience, provides volunteer support, education, and counseling to those living with life threatening or terminal illness, their families, and the bereaved.
Locations
Hospice San Luis Obispo
1304 Pacific Street
San Luis Obispo, CA 93401
Phone: 805.544.2266
Street Map
Hospice Paso Robles
1345 Oak Street
Paso Robles, CA 93446
Phone: 805.434.1164
Street Map
Hours
San Luis Obispo
Monday - Friday
8:30 AM - 4:30 PM
Paso Robles
by Appointment
Hospice Links:
Community Links:
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Anger and the Grieving Process
(The following excerpts are from a cassette tape by Chaplain Leroy Joesten.)
Anger is but one of many emotional reactions to the painful reality of death. It is important to recognize anger as a natural, human response. If we can allow ourselves to be aggravated, irritated, even angered, by relatively minor life disappointments, we are certainly entitled to feel angry when faced with one of life's most devastating experiences - Death. Anger is not chosen. It is not a matter of will or intention. We are angered when we are hurt or disappointed. We can choose, however, whether to remain angry, to refuse to surrender it or to resolve it.
Even though it is a natural, emotional response and is not willed anger is PROTEST - - an attempt to ward off a reality which is seen as too devastating to one's own sense of survival. It is an attempt to undo an event which is untimely and unwarranted. This phase of anger is the most acute, the most intense and therefore, perhaps, the most frightening. But anger must be expressed or ventilated in order for it to burn out. The reality of the death must be acknowledged; it cannot be fought or denied.
Anger is a means of RETRIEVAL. It craves a target. It may be directed at the doctor, at God, at oneself, or even at the deceased. Anger seems to locate the author of the death with the hope that somehow our deceased loved one can be retrieved. This desire to retrieve or to have the deceased return to life continues for some time. Anger continues to feed the hope that somehow the death can be reversed. What eventually must be accepted is not only that the death has occurred but also that it is irreversible. As unfair and untimely as it is, the death cannot be undone.
Anger is a means of CONTROL. Anger usually erupts when we have lost control. It is an emotional response designed to regain control. It is a defense against accepting one's own sense of impotence. This helplessness may be the most painful dimension of a person's death. Anger must be vented and burned out before we can, or in order for us to, get close to our helplessness. Our impotence to change the event needs to be accepted.
Once we can accept anger as a natural, human response, we can focus on its proper expression. Instead of talking of good or bad ways of expressing anger, I prefer to speak of constructive means of expressing anger. Constructive expression leads toward some form of resolution or dissolution of anger, while counterproductive venting perpetuates, perhaps even magnifies the effects of the death.
CONSTRUCTIVE venting of anger includes verbal and non-verbal means. It is important for people to have permission to verbalize their most intense feelings of anger, regardless of where the anger is targeted. Anger at God is as permissible as at any other target. If we give thanks to God during good times, it seems only natural that God would bear the brunt of at least some of our anger. It is also permissible and common that the deceased receive some of our anger. Even if the words must be yelled or screamed, the expression is healthy and therapeutic. The only caution may be in the company of someone who is understanding and accepting of our needs to verbalize the full intensity of our anger.
Anger can also be ventilated non-verbally. Crying itself can be a release of anger, especially the more intense and uncontrollable crying. Crying is a natural means of releasing frustration, helplessness, and pain. Allowing ourselves to do those things which force the tears are good things to do; listening to music, looking at pictures, doing things that remind us of the deceased. Often these are avoided so that we will not cry, but they are a natural means of reinforcing the reality. Other non-verbal means of expressing anger include physical exercise. The more physically demanding the better, because it forces a deeper physical release of stored up anger. (Scrubbing floors, washing walls, chopping wood, pounding nails are also good).
But there are counterproductive ways of dealing with anger. Repressing it so that it cannot come out is a common means. Displacing it on people who are either ignorant of the death or who are unable to understand the origin of the anger is counterproductive because it drives people away, causing even greater emotional isolation. Displacement may include being critical, harsh or even cruel to family members or friends for no apparent reason. Other counterproductive means include excess alcohol, and drug use. Smoking or eating may increase. All of these make oneself the target of the anger, decreasing one's self-esteem and self-worth. Some may idealize their loved one, making him or her perfect or more than human. This can be a cover-up for anger at the deceased which is too painful to express. Vengeance or taking the law into one's own hands is counterproductive. However, seeking justice through proper channels is a legitimate and potentially constructive outlet.
It is important to understand that people vary greatly in their experience of anger. Some people are said to have short fuses and erupt with very little provocation. Others are said to have the patience of a saint and are slow to anger. People also vary in their expression of anger; some find it easy while others find it difficult. These differences need to be respected so that people are free to pursue the most fitting expression of anger for them.
Anger must be expressed along with other emotional responses in order for it to finally be put to rest. Anger must be resolved if we are ever to be at peace with the fact that someone we love has died. Unexpressed anger leads to unresolved anger, which in turn leads to bitterness and sometimes depression. Bitterness is when a person's entire view of life is tainted and distorted. A bitter person is one who refuses to see the beauty and goodness and joy which in spite of the tragedy of the death, still constitutes much of life. Indeed the occasion of those qualities being restored in our life is a living tribute to the importance and lasting value of our loved one's life.
The goal of grief is to say good-bye on all levels, and to embrace the contribution this person was able to make to life, and to exercise gratitude for the life that was, albeit all too short. To identify and express anger is a natural human-response, and is one of the important steps on the way to recovery.
If you need help coping with a loss, caring for a seriously ill loved one, or dealing with your own mortality, please call us at 805.544.2266 or 805.434.1164. We're here to help.